Colonel: An Unofficial Case Study
by KokoroHagane
Summary: This is a series of oneshots about Colonel.EXE. In these oneshots, you shall delve into the recesses of his mind, and experience how he sees the world. These studies are in no chronological order. To put it simply, however, this is about Colonel.EXE.


**Hello, everyone! Today, I am experiencing an idea high, and this fan fiction is no exception. If the summary is a bit too vague for you, here is this to clarify it: this fanfic is about feeling inferior to in Team Colonel, and it explores deeper into both his past and psyche. Oh, and see if you can spot some psychological references in this one-shot! Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own any character in Megaman; the characters, as well as the ENTIRE SERIES, belong to Keiji Inafune, and the definitions of perfect, perfection, and perfectionism are from .**

_Perfect- (Adj.)_

_1. Conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type._

_2. Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement._

_3. Exactly fitting the need in a certain situation._

_4. Entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings._

_5. Accurate, exact, or correct in every detail._

_6. Thorough, complete._

_7. Pure or unmixed._

_8. Unqualified; absolute._

_9. Expert; accomplished; proficient._

_10. Unmitigated; out-and-out; of an extreme degree._

_Perfection- (n)_

_1. The state or quality of being or becoming perfect._

_2. The highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art._

_3. A perfect embodiment or example of something._

_4. A quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence._

_5. The highest or most nearly perfect degree of a quality or trait._

_6. The act or fact of perfecting._

_Perfectionism- (n)_

_1. Any of various doctrines holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable._

_2. A personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less._

Perfect; a word that incites feelings of religious attitudes or a need for order for most is a method of psychological torture for me. My mind is tormented by this. :3

I used to be described as this. In fact, I was built to be this. Dr. Wily and Dr. Hikari's collaboration to make the perfect Navi, complete with a human nature, emotions, and the basics; intelligence, strength, speed, and accuracy, succeeded, and I was highly regarded for it shortly after. I was their best Navi yet, and everyone knew it. :3

Everywhere I went, I was known as "The Perfect Navi"; not only did I possess high Netbattling capabilities, I also possessed extraordinary kindness, and I had fully-functional emotions. I was the first NetNavi to feel emotions such as happiness, anger, and depression, and I felt like I was actually perfect. I felt a sort of high that you could never get from drugs, alcohol, or cocaine; it was a more potent drug, even more capable of destroying life: pride. :3

I've always agreed with their compliments; at the time, I assumed I was as good as they said I was.

I never thought what people said about me would turn into a lie and an obsession. :3

"Colonel, you are the best Netnavi that ever lived," was the last thing that Doctor Hikari said that was good about me. He had always thought that I was his best creation. Doctor Wily had always thought that I was the best Navi ever known to man. I felt secure because of their assurance; that felt good. It always felt good when they complimented me; when they compliment on my abilities, my kindness, my talents; it felt good to do something very well, then get complimented and praised and assured immediately after. It always felt good…until he came. He was the one who made everything they said a total lie, a falsehood. He made everything go downhill.

I first met when recruiting him for Team Colonel. I expected him to be just like the other Netnavis; a little strong, a little human, and well rounded. I thought he was going to be like the other Navis I met. I thought I would get what I was used to: a Navi who was always inferior in model. I thought I would get the easy way out. Instead, I got what was my worst nightmare: someone who was actually better than me. He was strong; he defeated Netnavis in seconds, but kind enough to trust them and care about them when they're hurt, unlike me, who distrusts them immediately. He was much braver and smarter than me, he won more battles, he had more friends, and had everything I didn't. It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't the perfect navi anymore; HE was.

He was the Netnavi who did everything right, got admired by all of his friends, the selfless one who would sacrifice EVERYTHING for his friends. I was much worse…I was a selfish, cruel, violent, idiot who couldn't trust anyone. I was the friendless loser who couldn't get close to anyone. The Navi that used to be loved, USED to be admired…is really a worthless loser. I was only an emotionless, cruel freak compared to him. I wasn't as strong as him. I wasn't kind like he was. I was only an imperfect, ugly, defective freak inside a metallic shell for a body. All the things that I felt, all of my zest for life, turned into despair, anger, and self hatred.

I want to be perfect like Rockman. I want to be kind, I want to be smart, I want to be strong, just like others said I was. The others that built me up now built Rockman up. The others that I thought loved me just lied to me from the start. They said I was good; they said I was better than any Navi that they've ever seen…they all lied. _They never thought I was brave, or strong, or smart, or kind…they never thought I was good enough. I have to be perfect, I have to be perfect!_

I started to go numb. I started to try to mimic, to try to pretend to be, Rockman. I thought that, if I acted just like him, I would be good again. The act was hard, however, and I quit.

Then, one day, I was alone. Team Colonel was disbanded, everything was just. I was supposed to feel happy; I rid the world of Dark Chips, and I saved the world. Correction, Rockman saved the world. More problems were arising; terrorist groups in Netopia (although Al Qaeda was disbanded, and Osama Bin Laden was dead), death of children, rape, molestation, violence. I wanted to solve them, but I wasn't good enough. _Just let Rockman take care of it, _I thought. _I'll still feel their pain._ I began to cry, cry about the world, Rockman, and my own jealously. I cried about how everything anybody has said about me was a total lie, and that I wasn't good, kind, smart, strong, or anything worthy of companionship or admiration. I began to cry in self pity and self hatred. I cried about how I was such an idiot, a horrible, dangerous, idiot, and that the only good thing I can do for the world is kill myself. _Yes, I'll kill myself. Maybe everything bad will go away, maybe the pain will stop…Maybe…maybe…._ I began to wish for death, any kind of death; a virus, mutilation, anything. I wanted to die. I began to dream up intricate plans of self mutilation; decapitating my neck with my very own sword, blowing my brains out with a cannon, letting any and every virus eat at my flesh and "connective tissue" until there was nothing but my clothing and armor, even the classic hanging from a tree and hoping I die quickly from hypoxia. I just wanted to end the pain gnawing at my soul.

It was at that moment of my suicidal imaginings when Wily came up to me, and asked, "Do you want this pain to stop?" He held out his hand, half smiling. I have always trusted him; he was like a father to me. But I wasn't sure if I could even trust him if he lied to me so much. "What do you want?" I hissed, with angst brimming over like a girl with a menstrual period that just started, and there are no women in the home to understand. "Oh, Colonel, how could you speak to me like that? I only want to help you!" he replied, eyes widening in shock and sympathy. I looked at him. "What will you do, give me some special anti-depressant for NetNavis? Give me candy like a baby? Give me a hug and say, "it's alright," when nothing really is? What can you do? How will you help me?"

"I can remove your sadness," he offered, smiling with half-sympathy.

I thought about it for a moment, and said, "Yes, anything to make the sadness go away!"

In a few hours, everything was numb. My emotions were gone…or at least, everything but the anger, the sadness, and the pain. And, even in death, I still feel the sadness…but it's slowly slipping away. Perfection wasn't needed. Death is said to be the ultimate equalizer, and in that, I got my old self back…in death, I found me. The old me. And that me is the one thing I wanted all this time.

**So, what do you think? Please rate and comment. Oh, and all flames will go to Edward, Jacob, Rebecca Black, and Justin Bieber.**


End file.
